The Gang plays house
by tsmj182
Summary: Deep, deep down he always knew all those one night stands were going to come around and bite him in the ass. He thought the worse it would be that he got crabs or clamydia, never did he think it would be a baby. set during season 6 after who got dee pregnant
1. And baby makes six

So I don't own It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia or the characters , just the plot and a couple characters. Sorry in advance if any of the characters are a little ooc

So this just popped into my head yesterday after staying up and watching the show, and being bored at work. I wondered how Dennis would react to a baby being left on the doorstep of paddy's and finding out it was his from one of his one night stands. there's some slight swearing.

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" You don't think I can drink this" Charlie looked at Dee who was trying to finish her cross word puzzle. " No Charlie I don't think you can, because no one in their right mind; actually just go ahead" putting down her pencil, Dee rethought her answer. I mean Charlie ate cat food just to go to sleep at night. "What now you do think I can do it," Charlie stated throwing his hand up in the air. "Which is it Dee yes or no cause now you're just confusing me" Charlie said to which Dee gave him a look that said 'are you serious'. "No I'm just-" the door opening cut off Dee. " Hey guys what's going on," Mac asked carrying a big basket in his right hand.

"Well Dee here bet me I couldn't drink this and I bet her I could" Charlie said referring to the glass beer mug, which was filled with a black looking sludge. " I didn't bet you Charlie, you just came up to me and announced you were going to drink this. I just told you it wasn't a good idea" Dee gave Charlie a pointed look. " Well now you're saying I couldn't then can, then couldn't again so which is it" Charlie asked Dee again. Mac was just giving Charlie a look then his eyes traveled to the mug in Charlie's hand. "Charlie what in gods name is in the mug wait never mind I don't want to know" Mac said setting the basket on the bar top.

" Well I was making my own beer yesterday night after I locked up the pub- Charlie we told you; you can't sleep here" Mac interrupted Charlie. " I wasn't I was just trying to make some beer" Charlie said getting defensive. "Hey what's in the basket?" Dee asked kind of curious now. " Oh I just found it in front of the pub with a letter addressed to Dennis" Mac Said taking the envelope out of his back pocket. " Let me see that" Dee tried snatching the letter out of Mac's hand.

"Hey what do you think your doing" Mac held the letter out of Dee's reach. "Going to read the letter duh" Dee said trying to reach the letter. " No this is addressed to Dennis, so Dennis should open it" Mac said trying to keep the letter from Dee. " What are you, the mail police, fine what's in the basket then" Dee said giving Mac a weird look before turning to the basket.

" Not sure haven't looked yet," Mac said looking at the basket, since Mac's attention was else where Dee grabbed the letter out of Mac's hand. " Hey Dee, give that back" Mac heard the envelope being torn open. " Come on aren't you curious about what's in the letter" Dee gave Mac a look trying to convince him. "Whatever just open it" Mac was feeling kind of curious. " Alright let's see Dennis I'm leaving glen in your care blah blah blah, I have cancer blah blah blah" Dee started reading the letter before Mac grabbed it out of her hands which earned him a 'hey' from Dee. " Let me read this" Mac cleared his throat, " Dennis, I'm leaving Glen in you're care. I can't take care of him anymore, I found out I have cancer and only a few weeks to live" Mac got kind of quiet. "Well what's the rest say" Dee urged Mac to continue ' **I should have just read it' **Dee thought to herself. " I can't take care of him while i am staying at the hospital and my parents don't want anything to do with him. He needs his father" Mac's eyes widened at the word. " What!?" Dee exclaimed grabbing the letter back and reading it over. " There's more" Mac pointed to the bottom of the letter. "I wrote in my will that's I'm leaving him to you after I die, I'm sorry I'm just dumping him on you all of a sudden, but I know you'll take good care of him. Lyra" Dee finished reading the letter. " Who the hell is Lyra" Dee skimmed through the letter again. " The girl that wrote the letter duh" Charlie said giving Dee a look, to which earned Charlie a glare.

" Can it Charlie, there's a baby in the basket then isn't there" Dee could feel a headache coming on fast. 'Damn it Dennis, you couldn't just of kept it in your pants; you had to go knock someone up didn't you' Dee thought thinking things couldn't get any worse. " Well were not sure I mean we didn't see a baby" Charlie looked at Dee. " Charlie I just said it's in the basket, did you not hear me" Dee shook her head. " Well let's find out for sure then, I mean she could be talking about a dog for all we know" Mac said inching closer to the basket. " Alright on the count of three i'm going to pull the blanket back" Mac grabbed some of the blanket. " 1…2." Mac said holding up two fingers. " For the love of god, it's not going to attack you" Dee interrupted Mac's counting. " You never know, fine 3" Mac pulled the blanket down.

Two brown eyes stared back at them, " well what do you know it is a baby" Charlie said looking at the tiny infant in the basket. Dee just rolled her eyes, " You guys, that babies face looks exactly like Dennis's" Mac muttered to Dee and Charlie. " Yeah, you're right he does look like Dennis" Dee looked at the Dennis mini me. "Who looks like me and why is there a baby on the bar top" The three jumped at Dennis's confused question. " Well-uh-uh" Dee and Mac were at a loss for words, how are they going to break the news to Dennis. " Congrats dad it's a baby boy" except they didn't count on Charlie breaking it for them.

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Alright so what did you guys think please review, I can always use constructive critisicim just no flames


	2. The gang goes to the Maury show

I don't own It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or the Maury show or the characters except glen. Sorry if any of the characters are ooc. Now on with the story.

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" Yeah Congrats Dennis" Dee and Mac both laughed a little nervously waiting for Dennis to do something. " B-but I, no, hell no…I can't be" Dennis was still in shock at the fact he could be the father. ' _I think this has officially pushed him over the edge and whatever is left of his sanity is probably gone by now'_ Dee thought looking at Dennis who was getting paler by the second. She hadn't seen him this pale since the time he went anorexic just because she said he had a fat face. Dee rolled her eyes and walked over to Dennis. Pushing him to sit on one of the bar stools; she snapped her fingers in his face hoping to bring him out of shock, '_well that didn't work'_ she thought to herself. Suddenly Dee got an idea to which a smirk broke out on her face. "Hey Dennis " Was followed by a resounding slap to the face. "Ow!? What the hell was that for Dee" Dennis said hold his hand to the stinging cheek. "Damn hormones" Dennis muttered under his breath, which Dee just gave him a narrowed look.

"You need to snap out of it, you have a baby for gods sakes," Dee said trying to make Dennis come to his senses. Dennis looked down at the baby, seeing a face that matched his own stared right back. "That's not my baby, he doesn't look anything like me" Dennis was trying to convince the gang that it wasn't his; or maybe just trying to convince himself. Though there was a prick of doubt in the back of his mind he just didn't want to believe it.

" Dennis are you serious, that baby looks exactly like you. Look at that face" Dee gave Dennis a look. " Not mine, where did you find him anyway?" Dennis asked. " I found him at the front door there's a note also. Here" Mac handed Dennis the crumpled letter he had taken from Dee. Dennis grabbed the letter almost tearing it in the process, his eyes were skimming over the letter reading it countless times trying to make heads or tails of it. " Well first of all I don't even remember a Lyra so, that can't be my baby" Dennis was trying to worm his way out, he can't be a father, and right now he wasn't ready. " Dude you don't even know most of the girls names you slept with" Charlie piped up putting his two cents in.

Dennis glared at Charlie " Shut up Charlie, I do too know most of their names" Dennis faltered trying to sound convincing. " Uh huh sure man whore, I can't even believe you're denying this, he looks exactly like you" Dee said. Dennis suddenly got an idea; "Dna Test" Dennis exclaimed a little too loudly, all three gave him an incredouls look. " Dude I can't believe your proposing a Dna test when your face is staring right back at you" Mac motioned to the baby who was looking at Charlie and making cooing noises. " Dennis we should go to the Maury show to get a Dna test" Charlie tried giving the idea to Dennis. Six sets of eyes looked at Charlie, " Did you just say go to the maury show to do a Dna test Charlie?" Dee asked not believing what was coming out of Charlie's mouth. " Well yeah cause then Dennis could give this sob story about this baby and to find out if it's his or not" Charlie said trying to sound convincing.

"Oh really, what's the real reason Charlie; ya got something to hide" Dee crossed her arms over her chest, giving Charlie an accusing look. "Uh no reason, I think it would be a good opportunity for me- I mean" Charlie was caught off by Dee. " I knew it! You just want to go to the Maury show, this isn't about Dennis at all" Dee was giving Charlie a look. Charlie threw his hands up " Alright! Fine! I just want to go on the Maury show is that to much to ask" Charlie exclaimed to the gang. After Charlie's outburst Glen began crying rather loudly. "Look what you did now Charlie you scared the baby" Mac said rubbing his temples '_this day could not get any worse'_ Mac thought to himself. "All right Dee you know what to do" Mac said motioning to the crying baby. "Wha-why do I have to know what to do" Dee turned to Mac. "Well your having a baby duh" Charlie threw in. "Just because I'm having a baby, doesn't mean I know what to do" Dee stated trying to get someone else to take care of the baby. " Well Charlie are you pregnant" Mac asked Charlie which a reply of 'no' was given. "And I'm certainly not pregnant, and Dennis isn't pregnant so that just leaves" Mac turned to Dee motioning to her swollen stomach.

Dee could not believe Mac was doing this "I can't believe this just because I'm pregnant you automatically assume I know what to do" Dee was trying to get out of this. "Yes, mothers instinct or something like that" Mac handed the screaming infant to Dee "There you go, go to aunty Dee Dee" Mac said in a baby voice, gently swaying glen side to side. "Don't ever call me that," Dee said through clenched teeth taking the infant from Mac's hands. Cradling the infant in her arms, glen was starting to calm down. " See he loves his aunt Dee" Charlie said trying to convince Dee. '_Well since they're preoccupied time to make my move then' _Charlie thought to himself. "So since the baby isn't crying his head off, why don't we just go to the Maury show then" Charlie was hoping it would convince them this time.

"Charlie, we have a public health center we can go to for a Dna test, not to god knows wherever the maury show is located" Dee rocked the baby trying to make it go to sleep or something. " I wanna go to the Maury show" Charlie yelled making glen start to cry and which earned a 'Damn it Charlie' from the gang. "I will not stop yelling until we go" Charlie was having a tantrum. " Guys lets just go, he won't stop yelling until we do" Dennis finally said making some sense. " What the hell's going on here I can hear screaming and crying all the way down in the basement?" Frank said walking up to the gang. " Why is diandra holding a baby, did you guys find another dumpster baby or somethin' Frank asked kind of afraid that they might keep it.

"No, frank the baby was just left outside and it turns out that Dennis is the father" Mac retold frank what happened. "Not proven yet" Dennis threw in the middle of Mac's story.

"He does have Dennis's face and the way Dennis cries too," Frank said looking over the baby. "Hey! I do not cry like that" Dennis stood up to his full height giving frank the evil eye. " Sure ya do, now what's this about going to the Maury show?" Frank asked Mac. " Well it's charlie's idea that we go to the maury show to get a Dna test, except that a public health center is just right around the corner instead of having to drive however many hours with a baby" Mac was trying to get frank on their side. " I think going to the maury show would be a good idea because then the audience would sympathize with Dennis about his dead girlfriend" Charlie started. "Whoa wait a minuet, you have a girlfriend let alone she's dead," Frank pointed at Dennis. " No, it was just some girl I slept with and she thinks I'm the father, and she's not dead Charlie. She's dying of cancer," Dennis said giving Charlie a look and telling Frank the truth. "Well…you're screwed" Frank turned around to go back down to the basement, and then halted in his steps. " I think you guys should go to the Maury show, and I'm coming with you" Frank walked backed to the group. " No Frank, just no; I am not going to be stuck in a car with a baby let alone for however many hours" Dee was trying to get Frank to see reason. " If you don't go you're doing Charlie work from now on" Frank said pointing at Dee. "What, no I'm pregnant" Dee countered back '_like hell I'm doing Charlie work'_ Dee thought to herself. " I don't care if you're dying your doing Charlie work if you don't agree to this and go" Frank said in a final tone. "Fine Frank you win" Dee knew she lost the battle.

" Alright! Were going to the Maury show," Charlie exclaimed to which scared the baby and more crying ensued. Dee clenched her teeth '_if you go you don't have to do Charlie work_' Dee thought then decided to rain on their parade a little. "One hitch in your guy's plan" Dee looked at frank, then at Charlie. "Yeah what's that?" Frank asked. " We need a car seat for the baby" Dee said waiting for them to realize she was right. " A what?" Frank asked, " A car seat, you know" Dee saw the blank looks on the guy's faces. " I can't believe this, a car seat for the baby since the baby can't support it's own head and in case of an accident so the baby doesn't get hurt" The guys gave Dee more blank looks.

" You know what come on were walking to a baby store so I can show you guys what a car seat is" Dee started walking to the door, when no one started to follow she gave them a look that said 'there will be hell to pay if you disobey me'. Dennis, Mac and Charlie started following Dee, " Frank are you coming?" Mac asked. " No I just have a few things I need to take care of before we leave. You guys go ahead" Frank started walking back to the door that led to the basement. Upon opening the door strange music of what sounded like whales raping each other came from the basement. " I don't even want to know" Dennis shook his head still trying to make sense of it all. " Well one of us has to stay here, so Charlie you stay here and me, Dennis and Dee will go to the baby store" Mac looked at Charlie. " Wha- but I want to go" Charlie gave Mac a look. " Listen how about you two go and I'll stay with Charlie" Dennis offered. " Fine, were taking the glen cause I don't trust Charlie with the baby, for all we know he could mistake it for a rat or something" Dee said kind of getting attached to glen '_must be my hormones or something'_ Dee thought.

" That's fine go get that car seat or whatever it is, I'll call up the Maury show to get tickets and make up a story or something" Dennis replied. "Alright see you in an hour or two" Mac said closing the door to the pub. Dennis slowly walked back to the bar desperately needing a drink or something, 'even crack sounds good right about now' Dennis thought, sitting down on one of the stools reaching over the bar he grabbed a beer. A devious thought had formed in his head. 'Charlie did have a good idea. If I get on the Maury show there will be girls there and girls watch the show. If they hear my sob story about my dead girlfriend and how she admitted to cheating on me. They'll think what a good guy he is taking the baby even if there wasn't a chance it isn't his. I'll tell them I just want to know if I am the father, to remember her by and how much I loved her. I'll have those girls eating out of the palm of my hand; girls are suckers for babies, the golden god is back on top' Dennis thought with a smirk opening the bottle and taking a swig of beer. " Oh yeah" Dennis said out loud, "you say something Dennis" Charlie asked giving Dennis a weird look. " Just wanted to say thank you Charlie" Dennis replied. "For what?" Charlie was beginning to get confused. "Hmm? Oh nothing, nothing at all" Dennis replied leaning back on the bar.

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What I had originally written is that it was all Dennis's idea about using the baby to sleep with girls and Mac and Dee were against the idea. Frank comes up and they fight while Charlie and Dennis make a break for it with the baby and steal Dee's car. He was also more of a bastard to which made me want to slap him even though I'm the one who wrote it. Except in this Charlie kind of gave him the idea about the sob story, Dennis just filled in the blanks. please review, constructive critiscism is always welcome just no flames.


	3. The call

Sorry about not updating right away, work has been really busy and I've kind of had a little bit of writers block. Thank you to everyone reviewed it is greatly appreciated.

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I don't own it's always sunny or the Maury Show just the plot and a couple of characters. Now on with the story.

"Mac you carry the baby he's getting heavy" Dee whined trying to hand Glenn to Mac. " Uh-uh no way what if I drop him or something" Mac backed away from Dee a little. "Come on Mac I'm pregnant for gods sakes" Dee said trying to play the pregnant card. " Uh first of all it was your choice to get pregnant " Mac said "**whoever the bastard was**" he also thought "Second of all we should of taken your car" Mac added. All Dee did was gape after Mac "What the hell, it was not my choice to get pregnant, second of all remember you and Charlie wrecked my car and plus we don't have a baby seat for the baby that is why we are walking in the first place" Dee said trying to get her point across. Mac turned to Dee "well god did decide that for whatever reason you should get pregnant than, I guess I shouldn't judge" Mac asked. Dee got up close to Macs face "do not bring your god into this" Dee grounded out angry. Mac backed away, putting his hand up in case Dee decided to punch him.

"All I'm saying is that nothing is in our control because god is in control," Mac stated to which Dee rolled her eyes. Looking behind Mac, Dee saw what they had come for, "Whatever, the baby store is just up ahead" Dee started walking again Mac following slightly behind still afraid.

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At the bar-

" Uh Dennis do you think you could help, the bar is getting kind of slammed here" Charlie shouted over the noise of the patrons "**why the hell did this have to happen while Dee and Mac were out, it's not fair I should have been able to go**" Charlie thought to himself handing out more beers. "Charlie I'm holding for the Maury show, now if I came to help you and someone picked up I couldn't tell them why we need to go and then we couldn't go understand" Dennis said as if talking to a child. "Well yeah but… yeah I guess you're right" Charlie finally relented. "Thanks Charlie, knew you would understand" Dennis went back to sipping his beer while holding for someone to answer the phone.

"Hello, Maury show, this is Trina thank you for holding what can I do for you" Trina said very peppy. " Hi my name is Dennis Reynolds and I need a DNA test," Dennis stated already trying to think of something sad so he would sound convincing. " Alright is the baby's mother accusing you of being the father or did she cheat on you" Trina asked. " Well no my wife, she um died about a week ago" Dennis choked out. "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that, if you don't mind me asking how did she die," Trina asked feeling sorry for Dennis. "**Big time sucker**" Dennis thought to himself. "She had cancer, the doctor told her she only had a month to live" At the Trina gave a small gasp. "The day before she died, she told me she couldn't live with the guilt any longer she wanted me to know before she died that my son might not be mine" Dennis recited the words he had practiced, to which he could hear Trina sniffling. " You poor man, it must be so hard for you" Trina said sympathetically. " It broke my heart to hear her say that, but I love her so much and Glenn, that's my son, I couldn't imagine being without him, I raised him like he was my own. Even if he isn't mine I still want him, just to remind me of my wife and all the good times we had together" Dennis finished fake sobbing. " I'm going straight to the producers and telling your story to them, I'm sure that you'll get called back". Trina said sniffling still. "I also wanted to ask if my friends could come with me, to show their support for me" Dennis asked " I'll see what I can do, how many would be coming with you" Trina asked typing the story Dennis just lied about. "Four would be great" Dennis said. " Alright Mr. Reynolds, I'll tell my producers about this and we we'll get back to you by the end of the day" Trina said printing out what she had typed. " Thank you so much Trina I hope you have a wonderful day," Dennis said. " I hope yours is the same thank you again bye now" Trina said hanging the phone up. "You too" Dennis smirked "Like a baby" Dennis set the phone in his pocket, now all he had to do was wait for the call back.

"Dennis since you're off the phone do you think you could help" Charlie asked still handing beers to customers. Dennis got up off the stool; facing Charlie he clapped him on the shoulder. "Charlie, I think you got this" Dennis said taking off towards the office. " Hey! Where are you going" Charlie yelled, " Got some important calls to make, very important" Dennis said shutting the door behind him which earned him a "damn it Dennis" from an angry Charlie.

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Alright so I'm going to kind of make this short, since I still haven't figured out the baby store scene yet, I have kind of an idea of how it will go but I still have to work it out though, so sorry about the short chapter hopefully the next one will be longer. Not sure how they answer the phone at Maury's or how they ask about why they want to be on the show, but that's how I think it would go. Review please, good criticism only no bad.


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